Finding Middle Ground in Your Life and Divorce

Apparently, Karma has a very different opinion of enough is enough and there are lessons yet to be learned and new perspectives each day, even after almost 22 years as a divorce lawyer. I am the child of divorce, a divorce survivor, a divorce attorney and now the sister of a soon-to-be divorced person. On the list of these somewhat unfortunate credentials, this one, on its surface, would seem the least traumatic of all. But she is my little sister, she was the tiniest casualty of my parents crumbled union, and I always felt a little like I have to watch out for her. Today, I can't fix her troubles by warming up a can of Spaghetti-O's and watching a Brady Bunch episode as I did when we were little. Nor can I really give my little sister legal advice. Well, technically, I can, but she would likely ignore my advice and do as she pleases just the same. I didn't represent myself in my own divorce. I doubt that I could be any more objective in my sister's divorce. Maybe, be...

·           So I was looking back on this article I wrote a few years back and noticed there are very few things that are much different as I ponder my goals for 2018. Perhaps this means I never accomplished what I needed to, or perhaps I am, like everyone else, simply a work in progress. Figuring it out is just half the battle, but it definitely is the most important part. 2017 has been marked for me by an endeavor, which I must admit was much more challenging and fulfilling than anything I have ever done before, caring for my terminally ill Mom. It gave me that up close and personal lesson in “life is short” and a literal lesson in “appreciate every breath you take” as Mom struggled to do the very thing we all thankfully take for granted. She died in March after a courageous battle with ALS. I took a whole bunch of necessary time off from this difficult practice to take my turn at full-time nursing (the world’s most undervalued profession,...

This week it began, the holiday lights being strung throughout the neighborhood and a few brave souls are lighting up the pitch darkness of 5 pm already. It is without a doubt my favorite time of the year. There is hope. People are a bit softer and kinder, reaching into a bit deeper into their pockets and cupboards wanting to assuage hunger and prevent disappointment in children during this holiday season. With a brief whiff of evergreen, I am transported back to time when it was just pure joy, even as a child of divorce. It is the one time of year where we pause and think of family no matter how far away or nutty they may be, honor our traditions while we pass them along and make new ones. There is a general shift focus on making other people happy. In a time when there is so much sadness, glimpses of a smile from another weary traveler or a beleaguered gate attendant reminds us we are not alone. There is joy and accomplishment in each cookie baked, present wrapped and warm greeting...

My eldest son learned to drive in a town where most people have "driven" long before they are allowed or can even see over the dashboard. They have driven tractors, four wheelers and pick up trucks down long gravel roads without names. I never worried. He was safe. There was no texting, smart phones or road rage. By the time he drove the treacherous I - 95 up and down from Miami on a whim to hang out with his parents, who he generally regards as fairly cool, semi-contemporaries, I had learned to breathe. My second son is another story. He made the appointment for his driving test without asking and I was unnecessarily furious with him. How could he be so irresponsible? My husband and I both have jobs and I might have to be in Court. Clearly, this was indicative that he is just not ready to take on this type of responsibility. Just another reason, one of many in my long list, that I reminded him of out loud every single chance I got. He is on the phone while watching TV, a...

The first of the curls dropped in almost slow motion to the floor over 25 years ago. He was 2 and they were oh-so-brilliantly blonde. It was the late '80s, so I left just one long curl until my Father bribed him with a new toy to let him cut it off. Those first goodbyes to our little one's curls take a little bit of our heart each time, and I didn't know then just why. Maybe I was just too young to understand. Maybe it was because my first baby's independence would be essential to mine. We were growing up together. His not needing me was an accomplishment for him and a little bit of freedom for me. There were two more first curls, some golden and some brown to hit the floor, each one carefully preserved and marked "first haircut," and each one with a stronger twinge of an almost physical pain as my babies slipped away. They never come back, those first curls. Those quiet nights and those exhausted mornings with only the smell of milk on their breath fade awa...

I am a divorce lawyer, a divorce survivor, and once upon a time, I was a child of divorce.   The divorce of my parents was a long time ago; I was seven to be exact, the third child of four. I remember the before, and I remember the after. My little sister was only three, maybe a bit too young to remember the before, she only knew the after. Sometimes I think that is better. I however, am "blessed" to have an excellent memory (my Husband really dislikes it). My parents were really young to be going through this huge thing with a bunch of kids and without the Internet to confirm they were doing it exactly right or exactly wrong. They each had a judgmental family to whom divorce was as foreign as it was morally unacceptable. In the end, they made their way like everyone does, through trial and error, and seemed to have raised some fairly loving and seemingly well-adjusted children. Their divorce is the foundation for much of what I know about how to do it right and how to do...

The first thought that may come to your mind is irony perhaps. I do love irony, and it is generally not lost on me that I am a divorce attorney writing once again about love. My celebration of Valentine's Day on Friday the 13th is a bit less macabre that it sounds -- well, ever so slightly. After 21 years of being a divorce attorney, one would expect I might be a touch of a cynic. Well, you caught me. I love everything about love but Valentine's Day does it. It brings out the full-blown pessimist in me. Valentine's Day is the mandatory day for showing love and affection to those we hold dear, right? There are those cards, written by the finest Hallmark writers who somehow have crawled inside our very soul and poured out onto this $8.95 card just exactly how we love each other (How do they do this? It is magical.) Of course, they are so picked through by the end of January this may have you sending the one you purchased on February 12th at CVS, wishing your sweetheart a ha...

2014 has been marked for me by an endeavor which I must admit has been far more fun than the actual practice of family law, blogging on Huffington Post. This putting people back together thing (four couples this year) is certainly not the world's greatest business model, that's for sure. I make a living when it all falls apart. The messier it is, the more money I make. The older I get though, I have found there needs to be some balance, some joy along with the sadness. Among my favorite articles are the ones about marriage and trying to find that often-elusive recipe for a successful relationship. These are gleaned from observations of 21 years of failed marriages, my own fairly tragic choices (although, in hindsight, perhaps blessings), and finally, a relationship that makes me believe there is actually someone (with a keen sense of humor) watching over me. I have enjoyed writing the   10 Ways to Stay the Hell out of My Office ;   The 12 Wedding Vows Your Divorce Attorney...

How Not to Make your Lawyer Rich and Damage your Children. My mom used to say there is “enough love to go around” for her four children and, of course, the children of her ex-husband’s new wife and any other child who happened to be around, needing a reassuring hug or a boost of self-confidence.  That is the lesson I learned as a child of divorce.  What I see as an adult practicing primarily divorce litigation, is that in 20 years of doing this, there is one thing for certain, there has never been a case where a child has suffered from “too much love.” The everyday family law issues often include posturing as to who is the better parent, who is entitled to timesharing, when, where, and for how long, unfortunately with the curiously absent analysis of the best interests of the minor child.  Distress over the “he or she never did that when we were married” regarding the bathing, feeding, or general everyday caretaking, are all too often looked at with cynical judgm...