Finding Middle Ground in Your Life and Divorce

Apparently, Karma has a very different opinion of enough is enough and there are lessons yet to be learned and new perspectives each day, even after almost 22 years as a divorce lawyer. I am the child of divorce, a divorce survivor, a divorce attorney and now the sister of a soon-to-be divorced person. On the list of these somewhat unfortunate credentials, this one, on its surface, would seem the least traumatic of all. But she is my little sister, she was the tiniest casualty of my parents crumbled union, and I always felt a little like I have to watch out for her. Today, I can't fix her troubles by warming up a can of Spaghetti-O's and watching a Brady Bunch episode as I did when we were little. Nor can I really give my little sister legal advice. Well, technically, I can, but she would likely ignore my advice and do as she pleases just the same. I didn't represent myself in my own divorce. I doubt that I could be any more objective in my sister's divorce. Maybe, be...

My eldest son learned to drive in a town where most people have "driven" long before they are allowed or can even see over the dashboard. They have driven tractors, four wheelers and pick up trucks down long gravel roads without names. I never worried. He was safe. There was no texting, smart phones or road rage. By the time he drove the treacherous I - 95 up and down from Miami on a whim to hang out with his parents, who he generally regards as fairly cool, semi-contemporaries, I had learned to breathe. My second son is another story. He made the appointment for his driving test without asking and I was unnecessarily furious with him. How could he be so irresponsible? My husband and I both have jobs and I might have to be in Court. Clearly, this was indicative that he is just not ready to take on this type of responsibility. Just another reason, one of many in my long list, that I reminded him of out loud every single chance I got. He is on the phone while watching TV, a...

The first of the curls dropped in almost slow motion to the floor over 25 years ago. He was 2 and they were oh-so-brilliantly blonde. It was the late '80s, so I left just one long curl until my Father bribed him with a new toy to let him cut it off. Those first goodbyes to our little one's curls take a little bit of our heart each time, and I didn't know then just why. Maybe I was just too young to understand. Maybe it was because my first baby's independence would be essential to mine. We were growing up together. His not needing me was an accomplishment for him and a little bit of freedom for me. There were two more first curls, some golden and some brown to hit the floor, each one carefully preserved and marked "first haircut," and each one with a stronger twinge of an almost physical pain as my babies slipped away. They never come back, those first curls. Those quiet nights and those exhausted mornings with only the smell of milk on their breath fade awa...

I am a divorce lawyer, a divorce survivor, and once upon a time, I was a child of divorce.   The divorce of my parents was a long time ago; I was seven to be exact, the third child of four. I remember the before, and I remember the after. My little sister was only three, maybe a bit too young to remember the before, she only knew the after. Sometimes I think that is better. I however, am "blessed" to have an excellent memory (my Husband really dislikes it). My parents were really young to be going through this huge thing with a bunch of kids and without the Internet to confirm they were doing it exactly right or exactly wrong. They each had a judgmental family to whom divorce was as foreign as it was morally unacceptable. In the end, they made their way like everyone does, through trial and error, and seemed to have raised some fairly loving and seemingly well-adjusted children. Their divorce is the foundation for much of what I know about how to do it right and how to do...

How Not to Make your Lawyer Rich and Damage your Children. My mom used to say there is “enough love to go around” for her four children and, of course, the children of her ex-husband’s new wife and any other child who happened to be around, needing a reassuring hug or a boost of self-confidence.  That is the lesson I learned as a child of divorce.  What I see as an adult practicing primarily divorce litigation, is that in 20 years of doing this, there is one thing for certain, there has never been a case where a child has suffered from “too much love.” The everyday family law issues often include posturing as to who is the better parent, who is entitled to timesharing, when, where, and for how long, unfortunately with the curiously absent analysis of the best interests of the minor child.  Distress over the “he or she never did that when we were married” regarding the bathing, feeding, or general everyday caretaking, are all too often looked at with cynical judgm...